Last night, At and I took a break from WoW to watch a movie instead. We’ve had a few pile up on us lately and had been putting them off long enough that it was getting ridiculous. Part of the reason for deferring them was that neither of us were sure we wanted to watch either of the ones that ended up at the top of our queue. So on Sunday we watched Slumdog Millionaire – which I still don’t understand the buzz over – and last night we watched most of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
That’s a really long movie. And it has Brad Pitt. Yuck.
Still, despite it having the Pitt in it, I was intrigued enough to keep watching it past the 20 minute mark – that’s how long any movie has to grab my attention before I turn it off if it’s not entertaining me in any discernible fashion.
There’s this bit when he is in Russia, getting to know the character played by Tilda Swinton and she tells him how she tried to swim the English channel, only to give up after an ungodly number of hours, about two miles from shore. I’m totally paraphrasing here, but she ended the story with something like, “Everyone asked me if I would try again and I said, ‘Why wouldn’t I?’ But I never did. I’ve been waiting my whole life, thinking I would do something, but I never have.”
That resonated with me, because so often lately, I’ve found myself in the same place of waiting, thinking I will do something, and then never doing it. I’m full of excuses for why I am not currently doing the things I wish to be doing, too.
I will finish up my university studies – just not here at an engineering school with weak History and English departments.
I will lose some weight – just not when it’s so unbearably hot and humid/frakkin’ cold outside. Buy a gym membership? No – perhaps I’ll just wait until I live somewhere nice and can go hiking every weekend. I’ll totally go hiking every weekend. And not work a desk job, because that’s what killing me here.
I will write this novel knocking around in my head and I will try to get it published – just not right now because I’m so stressed out by my job that when I get home all I want to do is not think for a few hours. Time just keeps getting away from me. I intend to write. No really.
It’s pathetic and I don’t like it. I’m ashamed to confess it because now I sound like such an abject loser. A fat abject loser.
Later on in the movie, Pitt’s character sees Swinton’s character on television. At the age of 68, she has at last swum the English Channel. I suppose we’re meant to feel heartened by that – to take away the message that you are never too old to follow your dreams. And while that’s true, I frankly don’t want to live most or all of my life feeling unfulfilled.
I suppose that I’ve known all along that a person has to make the best of their current situation – to not let the fact that they’re not in an ideal place or at an ideal time in their lives keep them from living life in such a way that they are actively pursuing their goals and dreams. Knew it, but didn’t really internalize it.
I told At last night that I was tired of saying “I will” and then not doing anything that wasn’t totally halfhearted. I’m trying to erase all the “I will’s” and “I am going to’s” from my way of thinking. WoW will probably take more of a backseat to everything else in the coming weeks, and it’s a change I welcome. The guild will survive without my being there nearly every night.
And I will survive better, away from this half-life of incompletion.