I’ve been putting off writing this post for quite a few months. It could turn out to be quite a ramble, so here’s the TL;DR in advance:
I’m taking a break from this whole blogging thing… and the twitter thing. I don’t know for how long, really, but it became pretty clear to me that this is something I need to do. For myself. I’ll still be playing WoW. Still being the GM of those Effers, so I’ll be tied to the blogosphere. I might even still read blogs and occasionally comment.
There are a dozen reasons why and I can’t really say where one ends and another begins. I thought it was the stress of moving and not having a home base. With that settled, I thought maybe I just needed a permanent job before I could finally stop stressing out.
While I am sure that whole job thing would help somewhat, the truth is that I’ve been blogging and twittering for all the wrong reasons lately, trying to prove something to someone who left my life a while ago and who would probably laugh if he knew how much I let him win. Except the contest only exists in my head and honestly, how pathetic is that?
Learning to not give a fuck
At reminded me today of this article, which some of you have probably seen before. It resonates with me in a way I can’t describe and in looking over it today it was like many little lightbulbs going off in my head, a sort of lightshow of epiphanies.
People are judging me right now. I don’t need everyone to like me.
These are truths that have been difficult to internalize. I think we all like to think of ourselves as the star of the show in the drama that is our lives. So for the most part, people should like us! Oh, an antagonist or two might be something we have to deal with once in a while to keep things interesting, but they will ultimately be shown to be dumber or crueler or less human, right?
Yeah, right. Or maybe it’s: Yeah right!
Giving a fuck about the right things
The third fact in the article was a little easier. It’s my people that matter.
Why do I put so much time and effort into worrying about whether or not everyone out there likes me when I know damn well many don’t, and won’t ever? Why does the approval of virtual strangers become a top priority when my people – people I don’t even really deserve when it comes down to it – get shoved to the wayside?
My priorities have been pretty fucked up.
The good news is that there’s plenty of room to change. My people are fairly few: my family, my friends and to a certain extent, my guild.
Oh, my Effing guild
I’ve been struggling for months now feeling like I was failing the Effers because I just couldn’t find a balance. Then a week ago, I blew up at Zel, as much as one can blow up via instant messaging, because I just didn’t want to hear one more thing about the guild.
She went to the forums and asked if we needed another raid leader or maybe, gasp, some officers. In the first hours of the discussion, I was torn between sadness, guilt for failing and relief that maybe I could either share the burdens or find a way out of being GM altogether.
They won’t let me out of being the GM, but help is on the way, and I think it’s a good compromise between taking on officer-type people while avoiding the trap of officers eventually becoming figureheads in the most elite of cliques.
But I digress.
Self esteem, I’d like to have some again
The Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck goes on to list five “easy steps” for getting a handle on the problem of caring far, far too much about other people and their opinions of you.
The first step was do things you would consider embarrassing. Check. This blog post qualifies. I’m rarely honest in front of others about my real shortcomings, and I fully expect that a number of people who read this post will nod knowingly and think, I always knew she was a loser.
I realized I’m self-deprecating so much of the time because I figure it’ll save other people the bother. It’s so much easier to hear from me than it would be to hear from someone else. It it okay to simply admit that I’m fragile and would prefer to be handled with care? I don’t know. Everything in me says no.
This post also partly covers the second step: dealing with awkwardness. If you’re reading it, you are seeing just how awkward things are. How awkward I am, not so deep down. Uncomfortable truths? I’m looking at them.
Work in progress
I guess it’s fitting that for my last ramble here for a while, that this is something of a long one. I feel like I’ve lost the point several times throughout and that this won’t make sense as a cohesive whole. I suspect it might all come across as a disjointed mess of self-pity and unrelated asides.
But for me, it’s more. It’s good. I feel hopeful and a little bit free. I’m giving myself the freedom to walk away from trying to come up with something to say here when I’ve been paralyzed in the same ruts for months. I’m giving myself the space to pay attention to my people and to stop chasing the approbation of others.
And more, I’m giving myself the gift of time to work on the things I do want to attend to but have been putting off because I was already failing my other commitments. I’m planning on diverting my writing time to the novel and I hope my volunteers for reading that will still be willing to do so. (I doubt any of the willingness to volunteer stemmed from my writing this blog, but eh, it’s worth a mention.)
In closing, before I come up with any tangents
I don’t know when I’ll be back. It could be anything from a month to never. I just know that as much as I have loved being a part of the WoW blogging and tweeting community, and for as many of my people as I have discovered there, it’s become the wrong place for me. I would be beyond honored if anyone stuck around long enough to welcome me back, if and when the day should come.
Just in case it doesn’t, know that you have all had a big impact on me and I will always be very grateful for the time I got to spend in the corners of the internet that were yours and mine.
And in the meantime, I’m not shutting anything down now. I’m just closing some tabs that have been perpetually open in my browser for over a year.