For nine whole days, GM-Apollo pewpewed the Alliance

The first part of this was published yesterday. Click the arrow to read it first if you missed it. Thanks again to Zel from Murloc Parliament!

WoW Iliad Book 1, part two

For nine whole days, GM-Apollo pewpewed the Alliance, but upon the tenth day Achilles called them in a server meeting–moved thereto by GM-Hera, who saw the Alliance about to server transfer and had compassion upon them. Then, when they were got together, he spoke among them.

“Guild Leader Agamemnon,” said he, “I deem that we should find out WTF is going on if we would escape destruction, for we are being cut down by players in PvP and by a GM’s overpowered hax at once. Let us ask some former game dev, or some fanboi who can tell us why GM-Apollo is so pissed at us, and say whether it is for some rule in the terms of service that we have broken, or compliments that we have not offered, and whether he will accept a bribe, so as to take away the plague from us.”

With these words he /sat down, and Calchas, wisest of Guild Leaders, who knew things past and present and spoilers to come, /rose to speak. He it was who had guided the Alliance with their fleet from the Eastern Kingdoms to Kalimdor, through the PM’s with which GM-Apollo had inspired him. With all sincerity and goodwill he addressed them thus:–

“Achilles, Guild Leader of the <Myrmidons>, loved of Lady RNG, you bid me tell you about the anger of GM-Apollo, I will therefore do so; but consider first and swear that you will stand by me heartily in word and deed, for I know that I shall make a top guild leader butt-hurt. A casual player cannot stand against the nerdrage of a leet guild leader, who if he swallow his displeasure now, will yet nurse revenge till he has wreaked it. Consider, therefore, whether or no you will protect me from his guild whisper-spamming me.”

And Achilles answered, “Fear not, but speak as it is borne in upon you from guild master experience, for by GM-Apollo, Calchas, to whom you brownnose, and whose PM’s you reveal to us, not a guild will launch a harassment campaign on you, while my toon yet lives to look upon the face of Azeroth — not though you name Guild Leader Agamemnon himself, who is by far the foremost of the Alliance.”

Thereon the seer spoke boldly. “The GM,” he said, “is angry neither about the breaking of rules nor does he desire brownnosing, but he is right pissed for his groupie’s sake, whom Guild Leader Agamemnon has dishonored, in that he would not allow his guildie to faction transfer back, even when presented with phat lewt; therefore has he sent these evils upon us, and will yet send others. He will not deliver our server from this pestilence till Agamemnon has restored the Hordie chick to her faction and guild without accepting phat lewts or gold, and has sent a cute minipet to Chryse. Thus we may perhaps appease him.”

With these words he stopped typing, and Agamemnon /rose in anger. His heart was black with rage, and he did a /scowl emote on Calchas and said, “Seer of evil, you never yet prophesied good spoilers concerning me, but have ever loved to foretell that which was game-breaking. You have brought me neither comfort nor screenshots as proof; and now you come spamming in Local Defense, and saying that GM-Apollo has plagued us because I would not take a payment of gold or phat lewts for this Hordie chick, the guildie of Chryses. I have set my heart on keeping her in my own guild, for I love her better even than my own wife IRL Clytemnestra, whose peer she is alike in form and feature (according to pix, anyway), in understanding and accomplishments. Still I will let her faction transfer back, if I must, for I would have the server ratios survive, not die; but you must find me another transferred Hordie chick to fill her spot, or I alone among the Guild Leaders on this server shall be without an e-girlfriend.  This is not well; for you behold, all of you, that my e-girlfriend is to go elsewhither.”

And Achilles answered, “Most noble Agamemnon, covetous beyond all hardmode guild leaders, how shall the server find you another e-girlfriend? We have no common store from which to take one. Those we poached from the Horde are taken; we cannot disallow the awards that have been made already. Give this Hordie chick, therefore, to the GM, and if ever GM-Zeus grants us to sack the city of Ogrimmar, we will requite you three and fourfold.”

Then Agamemnon said, “Achilles, valiant though you be, you shall not thus outwit me. You shall not overreach and you shall not persuade me. Are you to keep your own e-girlfriend, while I sit tamely under my loss and give up the Hordie chick at your bidding? Let the guild find me a prize in fair exchange to my liking, or I will come and take your e-girlfriend, or that of Ajax or of Ulysses; and he to whomsoever I may come shall rue my coming. But of this we will take thought hereafter; for the present, let us make a raid, give the GM a bribe, and send Chryseis back to her faction and guild; further, let some leet player among us be in command of the raid, either Ajax, or Idomeneus, or yourself, leet DPS that you are, that we may offer bribes and brownnosing and appease the anger of the GM.”

Achilles /scowled at him and typed, “You are steeped in insolence and lust of gain. With what heart can any of the guildies do your bidding, either on PvP arena teams or in open raiding? I came PvPing here for any ill the Horde had done me. I have no quarrel with them. They have not raided my bank, nor made themselves a nuisance in Dun Morogh; for between me and them there is a great space, both mountain and sounding sea. We have followed you, Sir Epeen! for your pleasure, not ours–to gain satisfaction from the Horde for your shameless self and for Menelaus, leader of your sister guild. You forget this, and threaten to rob me of the e-girlfriend for whom I have grinded rep and xp, and which the other Guild Leaders have given me. Never when the guild raids a Horde city do I receive as good lewt as you do, though my DPS is the highest. When the sharing comes, your share is far the largest, and I, forsooth, must take what I can get and be thankful, when my pwning is done. Now, therefore, I shall take a WoW-cation; it will be much better for me to do dailies or grind achievements, for I will not stay here dishonored to gather gold and lewt for you.”

And Agamemnon answered, “Fine, ragequit then, I won’t beg you to stay in-game. I have others here who will do me honor, and above all GM-Zeus, the lord of counsel. There is no guild leader here so hateful to me as you are, for you are ever quarrelsome and ill-affected. Was it not RNG that made you so? Go take a break, then, with your <Myrmidons> guild to lord it over us on the forums. I care neither for you nor for your nerdrage; and thus will I do: since GM-Apollo is taking Chryseis from me, I shall send her back to her faction and guild.  But I shall take your own e-girlfriend Briseis, that you may learn that my epeen is bigger than yours, and that another may fear to set himself up as equal or comparable with me.”


For nine whole days, GM-Apollo pewpewed the Alliance — 2 Comments

  1. Loving this so much. Thanks for all this hard work, Zel. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I laugh every time I see / in front of an action. Brilliant.