I’m not doing much in the way of science, but I am still alive.
I’ve been in a weird place with WoW lately, in that I am playing and enjoying the hell out of the time I have spent playing, but I haven’t felt like I have anything to say about it. I’d normally talk about even my small achievements, like that my reputation grinds have been finished (just in time for a new one) and I even managed to snag the new “Beloved” title, which I am wearing like a boss all the time.
Alas, the Beloved. Oh yeah.
But I’m not feeling very beloved, truth be told. Not that I’m feeling hated or anything, but I do feel like an abject failure as I try week in and week out to improve my gear and my dps and end up short no matter what I do. I’ve read guides and tweaked my spec and talked shop with the other mage in my guild (who is kicking my ass while raid leading, humph!). I’ve spent time on dummies and out in the real world. I’ve put myself through my paces in LFR and scenarios – and in scenarios where I usually get to “tank” and dps at the same time because I always end up in a group with a priest who won’t heal anyone despite being Disc and a mage who is worse than I am by at least 10k dps.
While I’ve mentioned before that the New Guild is very good and I knew I would have to work hard to keep up, I am frustrated that all the hard work (and gold) I’ve put into my main doesn’t seem to be showing at all.
Although my GM insisted early on that I would be doing them a favor by being available to raid (me being better than a pug, more likely than not), I end each raid of each week feeling like I’m letting them down. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out I’m one of the weakest links. But worse than that, is that although I see the problem and do whatever I can think of to fix it, I’m not improving.
And I’ve never seriously thought that I could only do so well and no better, but now I am starting to wonder if this is as good a player as I will ever be. If it is, I would be the first to admit that it won’t be good enough for this guild. And that would leave me in a strange place because I like the people and I wouldn’t want to leave, but my raiding options would be shot all to hell if I stayed.
That might be looking too far down the road – especially as I haven’t actually talked to anyone about any of this – but I find myself seriously wondering if this is a situation that I can make work. I wonder if I can have a breakthrough in performance.
There’s another spec for me to try; I moved away from fire and gave frost a go over the past week. The other mage went arcane with superior results. I have a little hope that if arcane has become viable that it might be what I’ve been needing to see some improvement in my throughput. After all, I played it for the past three years. If I can regain some muscle memory in the next week or two, it might make a difference.
I’m not giving up yet. I don’t know what it would take to make me throw in the towel. But I have been having a hard time talking about WoW with this issue lingering in the back of my mind. I’ve put off talking about it because I kept hoping I would get better and I could talk about it in past tense. I was doing poorly but now I am doing better.
No such luck for me. I am doing poorly, but I hope to do better. And if I’m quiet in the coming weeks, it’s probably because I’m still trying to work things out. Or possibly because for the first time in forever my novel writing is coming easily and I’ve been able to sustain excitement and interest in fiction writing.
So that’s me. I’ll just keep on trying until I run out of cake (which, as a mage, is never).