Here is part four of Zel’s Epic Guest Post! If you aren’t laughing, I don’t know wtf is wrong with you.
WoW Iliad – Book 1, part 4
But Achilles again began sniping at Agamemnon, for he was still in a rage. “Carebear,” he cried, “with the face of a gorloc and the heart of a murloc, you never dare to attend progression nights. You shun this as you do death itself. You had rather go round and rob the lewt from any player who contradicts you. You devour your fellow Guild Leaders, for you are leader over a feeble player base; otherwise, Agamemnon, henceforward you would insult no player. Therefore I say, and swear it with a great oath–nay, by this legendary orange weapon–so surely and solemnly do I swear that hereafter on PvP raids they shall look fondly for Achilles and shall not find him. In the day of your distress, when your guildies keep wiping to the murderous hand of Hector, you shall not know how to help them, and shall rend your heart with rage for the hour when you offered insult to the best DPS on this server.”
With this Achilles equipped his legendary weapon and /sat, while Agamemnon was furiously beginning a reply in all caps. Then up rose smooth-tongued Guild Leader Nestor, and the words were sweeter than honey. Two expansions had happened under his watch, and he was now reigning over the third. With all sincerity and goodwill, therefore, he addressed them thus:–
“Of a truth,” he said, “a great sorrow has befallen this server. Surely Priam’s guild and the Hordies would be glad at heart if they could hear this quarrel between you two, who are so excellent in fight and counsel. I am older than either of you IRL; therefore be guided by me and get off my lawn. Moreover I have been the BFF of guild leaders even greater than you are, and they did not disregard my counsels. Never again can I behold such guild leaders as Pwnage, Meetgrinder, and Mrbater, peers of the GMs. These were the mightiest guild leaders ever in Azeroth: mightiest were they, and when they raided the fiercest pre-made teams they utterly pwned them. I came from a crappy underpopulated server, and went about among them, for they would have me come, and I raided as it was in me to do. No current player would have been able to pwn them, but they heard my words, and were persuaded by them. So be it also with yourselves, for this is the more excellent way. Therefore, Agamemnon, though you be strong, take not this Hordie chick away, for the server has already given her to Achilles; and you, Achilles, strive not further with Agamemnon, for no man who by the grace of GM-Zeus wields a legendary has like honor with Agamemnon. You are strong, and have a GM for your mother; but Agamemnon is stronger than you, for he has more guildies under him. Agamemnon, check your anger, I implore you; end this quarrel with Achilles, who in the day of battle is a tower of strength to this PvP effort.”
And Agamemnon answered, “Sir, all that you have said is true, but this fellow wants to be a control freak over this server, and this shall hardly be. Granted that he is a leet DPSer, does he also have the right to speak with snarkiness?”
Achilles interrupted him. “I should be an epic fail coward,” he typed, “were I to give in to you in all the things. Order other Guild Leaders about, not me, for I shall obey no longer. Furthermore I say–and lay my saying to your heart–I shall fight neither you nor any player about this e-girlfriend, for those that take were those also that gave. But of all my other phat lewts, you shall carry away nothing by force. Try, that others may see; if you do, I will duel the crap out of you.”
When they had quarrelled thus angrily, they rose, and broke up the assembly at the meeting stone. Achilles went back to gchat with the <Myrmidons> while Agamemnon chose a raid of twenty to take the boat. He escorted Chryseis on board and sent moreover a bribe for the GM. And Odysseus went as raid leader.
These, then, went on board and sailed their ways over the sea. But Achilles bade the guildies purify themselves; so they sold their grays at a vendor. Then they offered fish feasts on the sea-shore, and the smoke of the basic campfire curling up towards the sky. Thus did they busy themselves.