Bag and baggage

Posted on August 25, 2012 by

After my last post, a concerned friend hit me up on gtalk to tell me that I perhaps wasn’t being dodgy enough about my secret location. After all, she had no trouble hunting me down! And indeed, based off the information that I gave, I would expect that anyone with more than a passing familiarity with the WoW blogging community would be able to figure it out.

Fortunately, I’m mostly trying to keep my distance from some people that know of my blog but who aren’t otherwise plugged into the rest of this world. And I’m hopeful they gave up reading months ago, but only time will tell.

But the fact still remains that I’m very adamant about not going back to Azuremyst. I count up the number of people I’d like to never see again, even virtually, and realize I could just about put together a 10-person raid group with the names on that list.

Sobering thought.

It seems very dramatic to assert that any of these people are real enemies of mine or anything like that, although some of them have seemed very unwilling to bury whatever hatchets might exist and just move on. My last year in WoW was one of my purposefully seeking out different servers to play on and get away from the stress and drama, only to have people find out where I was and follow me, so that even my alt-time had a shadow cast over it. Some of that, I believe, was purposeful and some was likely purely coincidental, but the end result was the same. And this year, despite my not really playing and not really blogging, has been the year of my getting publicly attacked and blamed for shit that happened a year previous to the other person(s) writing about it.

And no, this isn’t about WOE UNTO ALAS, PEOPLE DON’T LIKE ME.1 This is about how difficult it is to look at things like this objectively when you feel somewhat stalked and harassed and when you’re the subject of angry rants out of the blue.

I understand the angry rant. I’ve written more than one or two, usually while in the middle of some situation. But a year later? I might have some strong feelings about a person or an issue, but I’m hardly likely to write about it like it’s currently poisoning my very enjoyment of life.

So while I was able to mock and dismiss these separate year-later blamefests wherein I was pointed to as the source of all evil in someone else’s gaming life, I do find myself troubled by the whole concept of there being an aversion so extreme on their end that they want to name my name and point fingers and an aversion so extreme on my end that I want to leave that server, change my name and never be found.2

But the popular saying about failed relationships is that maybe you’re the common denominator in all of yours. I’d be lying if I said that this was something I like to think about, but it is something that I have given some serious consideration. That’s where it’s hard to be objective. I can admit to having made mistakes, some more egregious than others. I can admit that I was always highly visible in my guilds. I’m certain I disappointed some people along the way.

After four shit, five years of doing (and a few of those spent writing about) the leadership thing, I still don’t believe I am any closer to figuring out how to be any good at it. I don’t know at which point in the social contract it’s on me to take blame and at which point I’m more or less innocent of wrongdoing.

So I’m writing it down in the hope that maybe seeing the words on the page will help to resolve my recent thoughts into some sort of sense. That I might have a moment of enlightenment about how to better handle the baggage I carry. I want to put it down. I want to walk away. I’ve even thought I did leave some of it behind, but occasionally I’ll find that the suitcase I thought I left by the wayside a few years ago was actually just repacked into a different suitcase and then strapped to my back where I couldn’t see it.

I feel like the metaphor is starting to fall apart or was never very good to begin with, and I’m not seeing a point on the horizon. I still don’t know what to do – if anything – with the carcasses of failed relationships and I think my metaphors are about to take a turn for the morbid. I’m not even sure if this little ramble makes any sort of sense to anyone looking at it.

Maybe it’s just that as much as I like to think a move is like a fresh start, it really isn’t. Coming back here to write about everything only solidifies that notion. Maybe the answer isn’t in hiding myself away from my past but in learning to really accept it and move it.

What do you guys think? Have you ever tried to start over only to find out that it didn’t go entirely the way you had hoped?

  1. A concept that I’m growing quite comfortable with, actually. ↩
  2. I just paraphrased Brandi Carlile. I am awesome. ↩
Posted in Leadership, Teh Dramas | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

What I’ve done, what I’m doing

Posted on August 24, 2012 by

Between March and last month, I scarcely logged into WoW. SWTOR was fun – I won’t even say anything bad about it even though it obviously didn’t hold my interest for very long – and I am glad on many levels for the break in WoW time that it precipitated.

Coming back to WoW has been very much like easing back into a pair of well-worn shoes. It fits me just so through there. There’s no pinching. No chafing. I’m unlikely to have blisters even after a full day of walking around in them.

New Guild, New Server

Right now, I have a dual focus in WoW, largely thanks to a series of events set off by my move away from Azuremyst and the Effers. For one thing, the baby rogue I rolled over on Moonrunner in order to check out the New Guild (who isn’t so new to me anymore, but about whom I still prefer to be somewhat dodgy1) has been getting most of my time since my return. She’s 80 and still washed ashore on the frigid banks of Northrend. I’d had plans to simply stay there and complete the Loremaster of Northrend achievement and see how far that would get me XP- and level-wise.

However, with MoP just around the corner, I am considering simply trying to hustle her to 85 instead since Alas will require those herbalism skills to pursue her Alchemy. Being a dual-crafter has its drawbacks.

So much for the two characters I have in the New Guild.

That Other New Guild

With my return to WoW, At has decided to follow me both by switching games and by changing servers. I’ve been quoting a warped version of Ruth at him lately:

…whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy guild my guild:

Except, that’s not true. All the reasons that I really enjoy the New Guild are the reasons that At has no interest in being part of it. Things I listed off as assets – Quiet! Focused! Did I mention quiet?! – are negatives to his way of thinking.

So we brangled about for a while and argued over which options were better and have finally decided to keep Alas in the New Guild but to have a guild on the server that At can call home and fill that guild with our friends.

Apparently, I’m something of a magnet. I don’t understand it, but “At and I are derping around on this server” somehow became “At, Elfi, Grimm, More, maybe Azzah, and a part-time Crispy and maybe some other people too, I don’t really know, are going to derp about with extremely casual MoP raiding as we have the time and bloody well feel like it.” That’s on top of the alt-leveling derping we’re already doing in dungeons once a week, in the awesomely-named and Grimm-captained guild we made there.

Overall

Being on a new server has proved to be the best decision I could have ever made as it has given me a huge impetus to become self-sufficient once again. The guild in which At finds himself is brand new and has no perks whatsoever. The only professions we have easily available are the ones our two transferred mains carried over. Since I have nothing but time to play at work, I’ve been feverishly farming things on my rogue and sending them along to jumpstart the baby alt’s professions. Since that covers mining and herbing (not to mention the odd bits of cloth and random green drops), I’ve recently started up a baby hunter to tackle skinning and leather working.

Since my focus on my rogue is changing from “avoid Cataclysm” to “hurry up and hit 85 with profession at max,” I’ve decided to revive project #QuATT (Quest All The Things)2 on the baby hunter, so will be working on leveling and getting Loremaster of everything as I go. It’s absurd how quickly it goes with full heirlooms.

So that’s me and what I’ve been doing in anticipation of MoP. And I didn’t even get to say anything about the poor GM I encountered along the way. Maybe next time.

  1. This is no reflection at all on their general awesomeness, but more a desire to leave some of my past in the past. Considering how often it has followed me, I don’t think I’m being completely insane to keep my current guild/identity somewhat secret. ↩
  2. I have a spreadsheet and everything for keeping tabs on random data I find interesting ↩
Posted in Leveling, Senseless Blah Blah | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Déjà who?

Posted on August 23, 2012 by

Er, hello there. This seems a bit familiar, doesn’t it?

This blog is like WoW. I just can’t seem to quit it.

Part of me is rolling my eyes in derision at my own inability to just make a decision and stick to it. At says I quit blogging here because I quit playing WoW, and while that is partially true, I felt that I had other reasons back in March to walk away. I’m not sure now that I know what those reasons were any more.

Honestly, it’s that same self-derision that’s been holding me back for a few weeks from doing anything about this desire to come back to the place that really feels like home. So why today? What’s changed?

Well, for one thing, it’s my birthday and apparently the day I come back from absences from blogging here. It’s like a tradition now. Expect me to “quit blogging” sometime in the future and then look for the return post next August.

For another thing, I am no longer clocking any real amount of time in swtor and have actively moved back to WoW as my primary MMO. I’ve been back for like five seconds and I suddenly have things that I feel a burning desire to talk about. Like how I’ve finally put some of my past to bed and how I plan on tackling my fresh start both in the game and on a new server.

I still wasn’t going to write anything here, but then At reminded me I’m not supposed to care what you guys think of me if I do. A few people have been supportive of the idea of my making another return, and I imagine the silent ones are also rolling their eyes and thinking I’m probably pretty pathetic.

Yeah, well, fuck you imaginary silent people who are judging me. I don’t care.

Thirdly (I have yet to gain any real coherency as you can all see), I started reading Quitter recently. I’m a whole two chapters in and I cannot begin to say how much this book is speaking to me and my life. I’ve been in a crisis of identity lately, all ONOES WHO I DOES WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP? HOW I AM 30 NAO?

And Quitter is helpful with practical advice about how to pursue your dreams so that you can eventually quit your day job.

I can’t begin to explain or even really understand for myself, why it is this spot, this blog that makes me want to write. I can’t draw up a chart of how writing here is different from the personal blog I took a stab at or that one thing I started about my fiction. All I know is that this is somehow my home on the Internet. This is somehow me and my identity and it gives me the courage and conviction I need to go after my dreams.

So I’m back. For realsies this time. And I’m scared and excited and generally derping all over the place.

We’ll just blame it on my age. All of it.

Posted in Acts of Lameness, Real Life, Senseless Blah Blah, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Distant longing

Posted on July 3, 2012 by

I knew right then that I’d return
To where I was before
And I was so tired of being away
That I just couldn’t stay anymore

-Brandi Carlile, What Did I Ever Come Here For?

This is as much a surprise to me as it probably is to you. No, I wouldn’t say I’m back or anything even remotely close to it. I haven’t missed blogging about WoW and I haven’t even really missed playing it for the past three months or so.

So why am I here?

Well, it’s sort of funny. Or at least I think it is.

The first part of it is that I have given up blogging about gaming at all. My SWTOR blog was short-lived! Turns out, that I don’t have the same wish to blog about gaming as I used to. I’ve come full circle and am actually elsewhere, attempting to write about things that occur to me as they relate to Real Life. It’s an interesting experiment for me since I’ve only told about five people what that URL is and my real life nonsense doesn’t come with a built-in potential audience in the same way a blog about an MMO does.

At the same time, writing about this specific topic doesn’t seem at all right for a real life space. Because it’s about WoW and about how the nostalgia that has kicked in lately is making me pine for the familiar climes of Azeroth. So for the same reason I left this space to write elsewhere, I am also coming back for this one little ramble that doesn’t belong anywhere but at Kiss My Alas.

Because if anyone might get this feeling I’ve been having, I suspect it’s someone who forgot to unsubscribe when I quit a few months ago.

And that’s the rest of the reason that I’m here. Because I’m homesick for my first MMO.

In the past few months a lot has happened. One of the most major events being that we got this kitchen (and the rest of the house too, I suppose):

An omnomnom place to nom

 

Because our sellers bought a short sale, they didn’t move out until late June, which worked out well for us in terms of the lease on our last place. The last week and a half has been a blur of boxes and stress and everything else that goes along with moving.

Most importantly, we don’t have Internet access as of yet. Because At decided to get a fiber connection. And there was no fiber existing in the neighborhood previously. Still isn’t, in fact. We have to wait until July 5.

So until that gets done, we have our home office set up and precious little that we can actually do there. (It’s been startling to see just how frequently my answer to anything is “Just Google that” when I’m not able to actually do so.) But one of the things I could do and that I now have the proper motivation to do (see: owning my own house again), was to actually find and prepare some screenshots from WoW to be printed out and stuck in a giant ass frame that I am totally going to hang in that beautiful kitchen.

Going through my folders of screenshots was a massive trip down memory lane.

It was a need to go home and a homecoming all at once.

The feeling I had was honestly bizarre when I stopped to think about it. It was almost as if these images were of places I had physically been. My heart longed for Azeroth in the same way it longs for Capitol Reef – a real life place that is so wrapped up in glorious childhood memories that it is unlike any other spot on this earth as far as I’m concerned.

And as I looked at image after image with places I could readily identify, I realized I was wrong to think I played WoW for the people. They’re an important part for sure, and major pieces of all the reasons why I’ve stayed and why I left, but I also find that I love Azeroth for Azeroth’s sake.

So for the first time in several months, I logged back in and – pleasantly surprised to see I didn’t get kicked out of the guild I moved to – just basked in the quiet of an empty guild and a less-than-busy Stormwind street.

Until I noticed it’s Midsummer. My favorite WoW holiday ever. And because I ache to see all the little spots that I think of as a virtual home, I immediately set about to piss on some Horde fires.

And now I know that as much as I enjoy SWTOR and as little inclination as I have to ever leave the wonderful guild I have there, WoW will always be my first love. I guess we’re just not completely done with each other yet.

Posted in Real Life, Screenshots | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

Kiss My Alas Goodbye

Posted on March 21, 2012 by

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m down to playing WoW about one night a week. And then some weeks – like last one – I’ll pretty much miss it entirely because something from real life has cropped up. Like the minding of my four-month old nephew.

And that’s okay.

But along with that, there’s been a mix of things going on lately that have made me stop to evaluate this blog and what I am doing here. One of the things is that it seems that every time someone I read links to someone else, it’s to someone I’ve never even heard of. New bloggers on the scene are great, but I am not keeping up with the ever-shifting WoW blogging community at all these days.

Between that and feeling like nothing I say here about WoW could possibly be relevant anymore, I’m starting to feel more and more like an outsider to the whole circle.

And that’s okay, too. I’m not saying these things in an attempt to garner sympathy.

Lastly, blogging mostly about my real life doesn’t feel right in this space. I was a WoW blog for more than two years, and a total shift away from that focus hasn’t really worked for me. Not that I don’t enjoy sharing my tales of real life idiocy with you all, but it’s a bit like trying to shove an elephant into tiny glass slippers. There’s just no way it could ever fit.

I was talking this over with At this morning – how I don’t fit into the WoW blogosphere anymore and how what I do have to write about doesn’t fit into my blog. I am still playing WoW… but I suspect you guys can only tolerate so many stories about how the New Guild has carried my undeserving ass through something. Like maybe two stories. I’ve hit the quota already.

So I guess I’m quitting.

And those are some hard words to write, but I can’t keep waffling around on this issue. You have to know when to pack it in and I think I am actually overdue to make the move.

Still sort of around

The good news (or the bad news, I suppose, depending on how you feel about me) is that even though I’m not blogging here anymore, I still get to hang around in other virtual places. I don’t have to give up the friendships I’ve made.

I’ll still be on Twitter, though I suspect not as @KissMyAlas. Or I may keep the name but start doing more tweeting about anything I’m doing that is SWTOR related. I understand some people feel strongly about wanting to follow a person because of the one specific game that they had in common. God knows I unfollowed enough people who wouldn’t turn off their fucking Rift achievement spam. But I don’t want to try to rebuild my whole list of people I enjoy conversing with about other things just because some people might really not want to hear about That Other Game. The point is, I’m not starting over there.

And my other two blogs will still be up and going and hopefully getting more attention from me once I’ve shed the weight of this blog.

And guys? This has been a great ride. One I’ll frankly miss for some time to come. So many of you have touched my life in ways you’ll never know. I hope I get to hold onto most of you in some way or another even after making this last post.

In closing, some thanks

I think some thanks are due and please know that even if I don’t mention you by name, it’s not because I’m trying to exclude anyone. It’s because these are the people who have shaped the nature of this blog to the point where I can’t imagine how it might have been without them. Even if they had no idea that they impacted me so much.

To Zelmaru: Not blogging about WoW for a while now, but still the first stranger who came by and really connected with me. I was so damn excited when I got your comment because you. Got. Me. And then later on, I got you.

To Tamarind: Also not blogging about WoW for quite some time now and dearly missed. Thanks for Gerald, lengthy comments and linking to me those times. And for letting me run with DinoTam as long as I did. I don’t suppose you’ll read this, but it had to be said because your impact on me was huge.

To Cynwise and Psynister: For both being incredibly awesome and down-to-earth. I was so intimidated by both of you when I first started this blog and you both proved there was no reason to be – because you’re both warm and accepting and great encouragers. (Both, both, both. This thank you needs more both.)

To Elfi: For always keeping me in check. You have a unique blend of love and smackdown. And I can’t live without either.

To Saga: I still think of you as a soul sister. You could always sympathize with my more end-of-my-tether posts and I never felt like I was alone when you dropped by to offer support and sympathy.

And to Amber: Because I still blame you that I ever got started in the first place.

Posted in Open Letters | Tagged , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Updates and the dumb

Posted on March 20, 2012 by

I’m yammering about my real life again. Hold the excitement, please.

The House Search

The great house search of 2012 has born fruit, only a bit more than one week into it. Last night we both fell in love with a house and made an offer.

I mean, just look at the kitchen. And know that the pictures don’t really do it justice.

An omnomnom place to nom

 

So that’s all very exciting and scary and I’m sort of waiting with baited breath to see what the counter-offer will be. And then experiencing brief flashes of mild panic about the fact that our lease isn’t up until June – even though we should be able to find a new renter because, really, we got a fantastic deal on that condo.

The Weight Loss Program

I had a small gain last week, which left me pretty disappointed. And then I had a really difficult weekend, because it seemed that everything I had available to eat cost all the points for only small servings! And I was hitting a bit more than my max daily points both days.

Between that and the gain, I was all bitter and cranky and freaking hungry and I was sort of mean to poor At. He’s so patient and way too good to me, you guys. I can’t even say.

But I was also dumb. I think you guys like my Alas is Very Dumb stories, no?

The Excessive Dumbness

Part of following Weight Watchers has involved a lot of my sitting at a computer and attempting to enter the information from what we’re cooking into the recipe builder. This is somewhat difficult as we both tend to eyeball things rather than measure them properly. Weight Watchers is all about precision, so it’s sort of a lot of work to add something from our regular menu to the site.

Over the weekend, it was pizza. I use Pioneer Woman’s pizza dough recipe because I’m still sort of on my baking kick and it’s really convenient to have pizza dough ready to pull out of the freezer and use on a whim. Not to mention cheaper and healthier than ordering from Pizza Hut.

We top our pizzas with mozzarella, Pecorino Romano, fresh basil, fresh Roma tomatoes and black olives. Sometimes I’ll make a white garlic sauce and sometimes we’ll use the all-natural red sauce we found at the store.

So we made pizza for dinner on Saturday. Just one pizza since that’s all we had the dough for. While it baked, I went back to the office with all the nutrition labels and started to enter in the list of ingredients. And then I gasped in horror because it worked out to 7 points a slice.

I was devastated. And unsure that I could get through the rest of the night on two pieces of very thin crusted pizza.

But I was also dumb. Because I had used the information from Pioneer Woman’s recipe – which is for two crusts and two pizzas. Not one. I had then used the proper topping information for one pizza, but I tell you, the 4 cups of flour and the 1/3 cup olive oil not split in half as they should have been…. Well, it was killing me.

I only just realized my mistake this morning. After starving on Saturday and eating only two slices of pizza for dinner then and lunch yesterday. Yes. At found me laughing in a somewhat unhinged manner and I’m still not sure if the tears were from laughing so hard or because I was so sad.

I’ve now gone back and modified the recipe in my recipe builder to reflect half the amounts of ingredients that went into the dough and – what do you know? – it should have been 4 points a slice.

I starved for nothing.

Because I’m a dumbass.

Posted in Real Life | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Slice of life

Posted on March 14, 2012 by

Real life is getting in the way of my gaming and I’m upset.

Okay, I’m not really upset, but I am getting a little twitchy and anxious to log into a game, ANY game, since I haven’t been able to do so since Saturday. Remind me to never start the process of looking for a house around Daylight Savings kicking in, because the combination has been a little brutal.

Saturday, we met with our Realtor and spent two hours in a chilly basement office, going over what we want in a house and doing a little preliminary looking online. We also talked money a little – always a delight – and generally set the parameters for the search.

Sunday, we got a chance to speak to a lawyer about our evil plan for getting out of our timeshare and then went and had our taxes done. I hate having taxes done. It’s so tedious and there’s usually bad news for us at the end about how we owe the feds more money. For once, we are getting a small return, so that was nice. But still not worth the overwhelming tedium of having to sit through the process.

Last night, we went to see the mortgage dude and he could not stop complimenting us on our credit scores, which I found incredibly funny. The upshot of that meeting was that an even higher “you could totally afford this” number was quoted to us and I choked a little, but reined in any visions I had of buying way more house than we need just because we could.

Then I called my mom and thanked her for teaching me all I know about managing finances. During the course of that conversation, I told her the (rather high) number that the mortgage guy had thrown at us and I guess she didn’t think I had learned anything at all from her, because she immediately said, “Don’t you dare!”

Moms are funny.

Anyhow, I intend to get home from work tonight and not let anything stand in the way of my logging into a game and zoning out for a few hours. With everything we did over the weekend, I foresee a very hectic time for us in the not-too-distant future.

Honestly, I’m just pissed that this means we’re going to have to move again. I feel like I just bloody got here and got settled in.

So while you’re reminding me not to pair life-changing events with DST, please also remind me to get a house we can be happy with for the next decade or two. I’d appreciate it.

Posted in Real Life | Tagged , | 4 Comments

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Posted on March 8, 2012 by

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Derp!

Posted on March 7, 2012 by

This story begins as many stories do: with the fact that all weather men are liars. I had a week of sunshine promised to me, no precipitation of any sort and I was hopeful that perhaps we were on our way to Spring.

So when I left work last night and stepped into falling snow, I was not best pleased. It started to fall more heavily and the wind from the north picked up during the train portion of my commute. By the time I reached my station, things were looking close to blizzard-like. I hustled to the back of the lot and slipped into my car to start it warming up, drop my purse on the passenger seat and grab the brush to clear the windows of snow.

I always, always, always check the door to make sure I don’t lock myself out in cases like this. Or I leave it partially ajar, even though I’ve checked to make sure it’s not locked. I’m oddly paranoid about some things and this is one of them.

But last night, I scoffed at my own paranoia and didn’t check and didn’t leave the door ajar because, after all, in all the years I’ve been driving I have never once locked myself out of my own car.

So of course this was the one time I somehow managed to do so. In the middle of a fucking snowstorm. I checked all the doors but they were all locked – because although I don’t keep anything of value in my car, there’s no sense in inviting people to rummage through it.

My immediate thought was: Oh shit, where’s my phone? 

A completely stupid thought since I was even then, at that moment, listening to music on my over-sized headphones that were plugged into my phone, which was in my jacket pocket. I was so relieved to recall that I had my phone, that I fumbled it out of my pocket and managed to drop it. I watched in horror as it hit the ground, the back popping off and the battery leaping out to land on the very wet asphalt with very wet snow spattering down on it.

Visions of having to walk home – while my car idled away in a parking lot – danced through my vision and I wondered how long it would take At to realize I hadn’t made it home and whether he would come looking for me if he called and I couldn’t answer because I’d just killed my phone by essentially dropping it in a puddle. I then briefly wondered if smashing a car window was a possibility.

Putting the phone back together, I tried to turn it on and waited in suspended terror while it took forever to come to life. Sighing in relief, I made for the bus shelter and called At, feeling more than a little sheepish as I did so. Because, you see, although I am also paranoid about making sure I turn my headlights off, I had managed to forget to do so a few weeks ago and had to call At to get him to come jumpstart me. I haven’t been doing well in the car department lately.

Fortunately, At answered and was able to come and rescue me. The minutes that I waited in the shelter were some of the longest of my whole day, shivering and freezing and slowly going numb in my extremities.

To further compound matters, I had had a last busy burst of work in the final minutes of my workday half an hour before and had foregone a much-needed bio break before leaving in favor of catching my train. You can imagine, I am sure, how much fun the extra wait in the blizzard proved to be with nature calling my name with some insistence.

When I finally got home, I was bedraggled and frozen and in a pretty big hurry. At was manfully trying to keep from laughing at me as I spilled my whole tale of woe and derp, but he couldn’t manage and frankly, neither could I.

My name is Alas and I am bad at commuting and am a terminal phone abuser (did I tell you all about the time a few weeks ago when I dropped it in a pot full of hot tomatillo sauce?). Keep your vehicles and phones away from me, for I am a menace.

Posted in Acts of Lameness, Real Life | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments

Seeking balance

Posted on March 5, 2012 by

I’ve been wanting to write a post here for a while – well, a few posts, actually – but it just hasn’t happened for various reasons and so now you all get a pointlessly long ramble as I attempt to mind dump all the various things that have been going around and around in my tiny, little mind.

If there were a theme to this ramble, I suppose it would be balance. How I don’t have it some areas and am trying to get it worked out in others and how, even when I think I have something balanced, I tend not to.

Balance in Gaming

This is a gaming blog first and foremost so let’s start there. I’ve never been the sort of person who plays a lot of different games all at the same time, so having two MMO’s to keep track of has been a challenge. Despite the fact that I’m not even trying to evenly split my time between WoW and SWTOR, I still am finding it difficult to pay attention to WoW as much as I would like to. I can’t tell if this feeling stems more from the fact that I’m not meeting my few in-game goals (more on this in just a moment) or because I was so used to giving WoW all of my gaming time that it just feels wrong to only be setting aside a night here and a few hours during the week there.

Thursday is my WoW night since At is typically out fencing and I find it easier, somehow, to play when he’s not around. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s looking down on me for playing WoW still, though in my rational moments, I know it’s not the case. One of my goals is to finally get a rogue to level cap, so I have been trying to put in some time on that, questing through EPL by very slow stages.

Thursday, I was just finishing up a dungeon when my GM sent me a tell, saying they were going to be running through Heroic Firelands again and that I was welcome to tag along if I wished. So I hastily switched over and checked out my gear on [former Alas]. I had utterly failed to re-gem following the handful of upgrades I had gotten in the last run, so I hit the AH and bought some gems and then promptly accepted the summon to the instance like a moron, without having gotten them out of the mail.

And we were immediately off and pulling again, so I shrugged and tried to not suck too much. I think I actually did marginally better than I did the previous time, though I still brought more than my fair share of derp to the table.

As we approached Ragnaros, I found myself checking the roster because surely, surely someone else was around and would take my place. There wasn’t. Texts were sent to try to rope in some other players, but there was no response and they decided to just try it.

I died the first time. And the second time. And pretty much every time. But I also got a better grasp on the bit that killed me the first few times and died to something completely different the third time, so at least I was making personal progress.

He stepped on me a lot.

Not very many pulls into it, I watched in quiet awe as Ragnaros went down and I got a thoroughly undeserved title and also some gloves.

"Welp. I feel like I really earned that."

(Also, please ignore my UI as I’ve been in need of some serious addon updating and it doesn’t normally look that crappy.)

There was some chatter after the fact about how it looked as though they might end up in there again here and there in the coming weeks and an aside about how many more weeks it might take to finish getting Seething Cinders for what I think would be the third and fourth legendary weapons in the guild. It made me glad that I never could bring myself to toss my 600 or so cinders, even though I was certain my shot at the legendary was over. Now I’m sitting at a bit over 800, feeling more than a little staggered.

And wishing I could do something to repay even a little bit of what this guild has done for me even though they have no reason to. Getting a dwarf rogue to 85 and contributing to the Stay Classy achievement doesn’t seem all that worthwhile in the light of getting to see content I thought I would never see.

I guess I just feel out of balance when it comes to gaming. Here I am getting carried by a lot of really cool people through some really amazing kills and feeling as though I have no way in which I can contribute back to them. Because in SWTOR, I am needed for raiding and I have been busting my hump to get consumables crafted for most of the guild for those raids and my commitment is there. Turns out being a peon can be tough if you want to not be a worthless peon.

Balance in Writing

Here’s where I depart from gaming talk for the rest of the wall of text, so if my more personal life bores you, here’s your exit.

I recently pulled myself together out of a spiral of:

I hate that people at work seem to look down on me because my job is menial. Having a menial job doesn’t mean I’m stupid and it frustrates me that people seem to assume it does. (I was told the other day someone wanted Two. Diet. Cokes. She held up two fingers and spoke slowly as though I am so dimwitted that I can’t count as high as two or might otherwise misunderstand her and bring her a bag of pretzels and an orange peel from the garbage. I sort of wanted to stab her, Internet. I really did.)

But I’m not proud of my job however much I enjoy having free time. It’s not my goal in life to make coffee for a bunch of animals masquerading as working professionals.

Oh. But I’m also not chasing my dreams because it’s damn hard to get a book published if you never actually buckle down and write it.

And the next thing you know, I’m feeling lousy about myself because I’m working a menial job where people think I am stupid and I have nothing to point to and say “making coffee might be what I do to make money but this, over here, this is what I do for me.”

So I kicked myself in the ass, took a page out of Cynwise’s playbook and started a writing blog (URL maybe available upon request, but I intend to not over-publicize it). The rules are that I have to write 5000 words a week (this doesn’t happen when I am sick, though) and I’m not allowed to edit anything. It’s scary as all hell to be posting fiction that I haven’t obsessively tweaked and checked, but the two people who may or may not actually be reading it haven’t cackled at me and said I suck forever, so I’m still plugging away at it.

Adding that to the writing mix has had an impact on my regular blah blah blogging. I’m having to learn to be okay with the fact that I can’t churn out content for three blogs every day or even every week. At least I am chasing my dreams. At least I am moving forward. And at least At claims to enjoy the fiction.

And at least I can tell myself I am being paid to write because, you know, I do all my writing at work.

Balance in Life

Lastly, I’ve also kicked myself in the ass (with some help from Elfi and inspiration from Psynister and Fynralyl) with regards to my weight. I have started Weight Watchers and it’s been sort of eye-opening to see where I’ve been making choices that aren’t as healthy as I had thought they were. Although I started a week ago, today, I set my weigh-in for Fridays because I figured I would need some positive reinforcement just before hitting the weekend, when I typically throw all structure out the window.

I started off strong, losing nearly 5 pounds, which is a really fantastic feeling. The weekend was difficult, as I thought it would be, but the most challenging part has been trying to deal with other people constantly attempting to undermine my efforts.

Why do they do this? At encourages me to have another glass of wine and just “use your weekly points.” We had dinner and movie night with some friends and they wanted me to do shots and have another helping of dessert because “today it’s negative points!”

The thing is, I already want to do those things and it’s sort of taking a lot out of me to be strong and to say no. So I’m frustrated with the people around me who aren’t helping (I lectured At quite strongly and he has been better but still wants me to be more flexible with things than I do) and trying to cling to the immediate progress I saw while also looking down the road and realizing it’s a long one and I am going to have to say no to a whole lot of temptations along the way.

Trying to find a balance in still being able to eat things I enjoy and drink in moderation without abandoning my commitment to myself to lose this weight has been tough and it’s only the beginning of week two.

I especially need to find the balance between cutting loose and sticking with a plan on the weekends. It’s somehow easier to remember to eat breakfast and drink water all day when those things are structured around work. At home, I completely failed when it should have been easier.

If you’ve made it through the wall of text, thanks for reading. Tell me how and where in your life you’re looking for balance and any tricks you employ to meet goals. I need all the help I can get.  

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